So I started my blog last week and one of the first comments was from Ann, an old friend and former parishioner congratulating me on having “found my voice already.” Me? I found my voice? When? Where? Now, Ann also happens to be a real writer so she knows a thing or two about finding a voice.  While I appreciate the encouraging sentiment, it seems to me that I wake up nearly every morning (especially Sunday mornings) wondering where I put that voice of mine. Even when I know exactly where my voice can be found and what it needs to say, I often fail to engage it effectively.

In seminary and in my early years of ministry, I struggled a lot with preaching. To start with, I did not feel entirely qualified to interpret Scripture or to utter even a word on behalf of God. I was in my mid-twenties, looking out on a congregation of people, most of whom had lived quite a bit more of life than I had, which is to say, they were older and wiser. It seemed arrogant and presumptuous to think that they should or would want to listen to anything I had to say. Most every pastor I had ever heard had a “preacher’s voices,” low and booming, and needless to say, male. What would/could/should my voice sound like? Getting beyond my seemingly inadequate credentials, I was (still am) a fairly quiet person. I don’t like to draw attention to myself. A few well-meaning people suggested that I should try to be more dramatic, more theatrical in the pulpit. It was at the suggestion that I should be more “theatrical” that I knew that I was going to have to stake a claim on behalf of my own voice. I am not an actress (and I won’t even play one on TV, or in the pulpit, for that matter). I am not in the entertainment industry. Hmm, where, oh where, to find a voice?

This “issue” of voice is, of course, not limited to the pulpit. I struggle to find the right voice in a lot of areas in my life. As the parent of a 13 year old girl, I search for the right voice with which to address her questions, her fears, her moodiness, her defiance and her growing sense of herself. The parental voice that seemed so well-suited for an 11 year old, no longer seems to communicate well with my newly-minted teenager. I am still searching for a voice that she can hear.

I won’t even go into all those times when I have seemed to develop a temporary (or longer lasting) form of laryngitis when it comes to speaking out on social issues, speaking my truth in a difficult relationship or avoiding a conflict. Of course, with blog number two, I am still trying to figure out what my “blogger’s voice” sounds (reads) like. It seems it can be a pretty tricky thing to not only find one’s voice, but to use it, effectively, well and for the good.

Yesterday someone complimented me on my “vulnerability” in the way that I lead my congregation. He said that he appreciated my honesty and the way I was so “open” in worship and in my writings. Hmmm, I thanked him for the sincerity of his compliment even as it made my fearful heart beat faster. Did I say too much? Or could it be, that my voice, the vocal quality that expresses who I truly am (vulnerable, honest, real) is coming through? I hope so.

Finding my voice involves a consistent, determined effort to be authentic, true, and available. Of course, it is not only finding the voice, it is using it audibly, faithfully and well that matters. God keeps pushing me, this quiet-by-nature person, to step out of my comfortable quiet and speak the truth, which I hope reflect God’s truth, or at least God’s truth in me. It is not easy for me to walk around with an open and exposed heart, to share the realities of my life and my faith each week with a congregation (and now, in this blog, anyone else who cares to read).  And yet, when it comes down to it, my voice is only worth using if it is honest and authentic to who I am. While some preachers may faithfully employ the gifts of “holy theatrics,” those gifts feel inauthentic on my tongue. My voice won’t do it. It is not me. While I (and most preachers) may never feel “qualified” for the task of preaching, preach we must. I am grateful to say that I am learning, in some aspects of my life at least, to find, hold on to, and speak in my own God-given voice. I am also grateful that God is gracious, with me and my 13 year old, and somehow, someway, I will find a voice for her as well.

I guess I’ll keep searching for that lost, sometimes found, and desperately needed voice. Thank you Ann for suggesting I had “found my voice;” from your mouth…or maybe from my mouth…or both…to God’s ears.

“Here voice…here voice…olly-olly-oxen-free, you can come out now…”

I am so “old school” that I still read the paper, The Los Angeles Times, every morning. So there I was, drinking my coffee, minding my own business, when one of the editorial articles refered to me and my generation, Gen X, as “middle-aged” (I won’t annoy you with the fifteen exclamation points that should follow the words “middle-aged” when applied to me). At the ripe old age of 38, and believe me, I am feeling every glorious day of it, I am now, according to The LA Times, “middle-aged.” Apparently, my friends Bert, Ernie and the Cookie Monster are celebrating the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street. If Big Bird is 40, he is “middle-aged” and well, I am darned close. I guess I am a little sensitive on this matter. I turned 38 last week and at 38, one’s got to start coming to terms with the looming number ending in zero right around the corner. I just didn’t appreciate being called “middle-aged” over breakfast (good thing I wasn’t eating oatmeal piled high with prunes this morning).

I’ve never had a blog before. Apparently this makes me a very unhip pastor these days. I’ve thought about it a bunch of times. I’ve even signed up to start a blog a few times, but I just never got around to doing it. To be honest with you, the thought of writing a blog just exhausts me. I write a sermon every week. I write a column for the church newsletter. I write a weekly email to the congregation. I write letters, notes and emails all day long. I even try to update my “status” on Facebook with some regularity. It seems to me that I rarely have a thought that goes unpublished in some medium. Why would I want to commit to writing another entry anywhere? And why would anybody care to read a blog if I wrote one (aren’t blogs just a little narcissistic?).  Hence, the reason I have stopped and started this blog-thing so many times.

I read another article this morning extolling the virtues of “social media” for pastors and the article made me feel all bad about myself for not having a blog. Okay. Okay already. I’ll write a blog! Feel better?  I do aspire to be one of those “hipper than hip” pastors (even if I am middle-aged) so, in the interests of being seen as totally cool, hip and with it, I will venture into the blogosphere.

I am not promising brilliance here. Profundity often escapes me. While I crack myself up, you may just think that I am an idiot. I am slightly sacrastic, sometimes irreverent and often just a goofy. Then again, I can be rather pensive and introspective from time to time. I am not sure what this blog will end up being about (are blogs supposed to have a theme?), but I think it might just be fun (for me, if not for those who chose to read this) to explore “out loud” some of what I am thinking about, praying about, and questioning. I can’t promise that I won’t “vent” a bit about those things that make me crazy. Well, as you can see, I haven’t thought much about what will go into this blog yet, but the first step in registering for this account was giving the blog a name. The first word that came to mind was “wonderings,” as in “the wonderings of my mind,” or my “wonderings through life.” Such thoughts/writings may be rather aimless, but they will be sincere, and honest, and reflective of whatever might be on my mind. I don’t know, ”wonderings”  may be a dumb name for blog, but it was the first word that came to mind. I am open to suggestions.  

So, this could be a fun enterprise for a 38-year-old, middle aged pastor (I hear it is important to keep the mind sharp in your aging years, maybe this will help). Of course, this will be much more fun if you, my readers (God bless you) interact with me, sharing their thoughts and reactions to my wonderings.

Okay, I am going to push the “publish” button and when I do, I will officially be entering the blogosphere. Wish me luck. Here we go…

By the way, this blog was brought to you by the number “38″ and your local public television station.